Need an insult? Will has you covered!

Harsh, 'tis true, but betimes a man needst learn not to vex thee. If thou know'st suche a one, feel free to tagge him on Facebook or share.

Will's sonnet 11

Here thou canst observe mine sonnet 11, wherein your Will doth encourage the youth to get him a child so that the beautie Nature has bequeath'd him with will not die with his death.

Who said it? Will's insults...

'Tis one of mine insults. Who hath bespoke these lines? And in which of mine playes?

Will's sonnet 153

Good eve to thee groundlyngs, and may this night pass sweetly with thee. Here thou mayst read mine sonnet 153, which doth tell of nymphs who do steal Cupid's brande, such as mine owne love doth steal mine heart. Feel free to share if it move thee.

Need an insult? Will has you covered

Needest thou an insult? Your Will doth have so many that thou mayst find amusinge. Feel free to tagge on Facebooke or share with those who do offend thee.

Will's Sonnet 10

Here thou may'st observe mine sonnet ten, wherein your Will doth entreate the Youth to get him a child. I didst compare his person to a house, a conceit that hath oft been uséd in writings.

Comedie or Tragedie? Will's flowchart

Betimes thou mayst finde thyself musinge if thou mightst be one of mine dramatis personae from a tragedie or a comedie. Mayhap thou wilt finde this charte doth aide thee in thy wandrings...

Need an insult? Will has you covered!

'Tis Monday, and doubtless some unwelcome jackanapes hath worn thy patience thin. Feel free to share this mine image with those that do offende thee, or thou canst tagge them on Facebooke.

Need an insult? Will has you covered!

Needest thou an insult for those who do offend thee? Feel free to share with the witlesse or tagge them on Faccebooke. This German watch in mine image doth date to 1530.

Sonnet 8

Here thou canst observe mine sonnet eight, groundlyngs. In this poesie, I do compare the matinge of string with matinge of man and wife. Thou canst perceive manie of mine sonnets here on Shakesblogging.

Will's Monday insult

'Tis Monday, and doubtless some knave hath already worn through thy patience. Let the villain know by sharing mine insult or tagginge him on Facebooke.

Will's daily life: the metal corset

Good eve, groundlyngs! I didst but muse thou might enjoye observinge some items from mine daily life. Here thou may'st observe a metal corset, suche that onlie gentles who didst not engage in hard labour might wear.

Need an insult? Will has you covered!

'Tis Monday, and doubteless thou hast a longe weeke of worke before thee, fair gentles. If thou needest an insult for those that are like to offend thee, thou canst seekest it here from your Will. Free free to tagge on Facebook or share.

Need advice? Young Will has answers!

Dear Young Will,

There's a TV commercial for Tuck's Medicated Pads that depicts a hand holding a pen and checking off boxes on a notepad. The boxes say "burning," "itching" and "swelling." My question for you, Mr. Shakespeare, is where can I buy one of these pads?

Signed,
Printer’s Pet

Dear Pet,

Though your Will couldst finde some Englishe in thy tongue, so muche that thou hast penn’d didst strike me as Flemische. I didst take thy querie to a mastyer wool trader of Flemische line, who was muche confounded that I didst seeme to be seekynge out some printinge.

If thou doth seeke some printinge, your Will doth suggeste one Wynkyn de Worde, who hath studied under Caxton before him. The man hath no little knowledge of his arte, being the beste thou canst finde in London. Seeke him out on Fleet Street, and praye, begge him from young Will that he printe not these bad quartos of mine owne worke.

Eternally Yours,
Will


Dear Young Will,

What are some of your favorite insults?

Signed,
Mistress Quickcomeback

Dear Mistress,

You Will hath penn’d so manie of these insults, some thou canst observe here on mine owne wall:

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.411019595646238.95919.164848130263387&type=3

For mine parte, I do think Hal’s insultes heap’d upon Falstaff are plentiful and want for nothinge:

Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth ne'er look
on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace:
there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an
old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why
dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that
bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel
of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed
cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with
the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that
grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in
years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and
drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a
capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft?
wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous,
but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?

The answer, thou, doth rest upon thee, dear groundlyngs.

Eternally Yours,
Will

Shakespeare's Sonnet 7

Here thou canst observe mine sonnet seven, groundlyngs. 'Tis a conceit about the sun which I doth use to urge the younge man to engender a child. If thou needest some aide to thy readinge, thou may seekest it here:

http://www.shakespeares-sonnets.com/sonnet/7

Need an insult? Will has you covered!

'Tis Monday, and doubteless thou hast a longe weeke of worke before thee, fair gentles. If thou needest an insult for those that are like to offend thee, thou canst seekest it here from your Will. Free free to tagge on Facebook or share.

Kit's Devilishly good recipes: venison bake

Good morrow, groundlyngs. Kit hath once againe graced us with a recipe of his own makinge, this time for a venison pie. 'Tis easy made, he doth swear, and suits the belly well when taken with a strong ale.

Shakespeare's sonnet 6

Here there canst observe mine sonnet six, which doth entreat the young man to heede the passinge of time and get him an heir. If thou seek'st some aide to thy readinge, thou canst perceive it here:

http://www.shakespeares-sonnets.com/sonnet/6

Good advice from Will's fools

Today your Will hath for thee: advice from a Fool. Though betimes a fool doth spoute nonsense, yet ofttimes he canst speak wordes of wisdom. Dost recognise the playe from which these wordes doth come?

Will's Monday insult

'Tis Monday, and doubteless thou hast a longe weeke of worke before thee, fair gentles. If thou needest an insult for those that are like to offend thee, thou canst seekest it here from your Will. Free free to tagge on Facebook or share.

Will's daily life

Good day to thee, groundlyngs! Here thou canst perceive the field armour of His Majestie Henry VIII, as well as his coat or armes. Suche suits did weigh as much as 50 poundes.

Will's Yearbook: The Falconer

Here thou canst observe a leaf from Will: His Yearbooke. While your Will canst not recall the name of this nobleman, 'tis a beauteous portrait of mine age that doth showe the sport of falconry, whiche was belov'd by manie.

Ask Will: All about your body

Dear Will,

What's a 'nocturnal emission'?

Signed,
A Midsummer Night’s Dream Deferred

Dear Dream Deferred,

‘Tis a wondrous strange question thou dost pose for your Will, but I will try to answer it with the best that medicine and faith doth offer from mine age.

After conferring with some younge physicians from Oxford, I didst learn that the nocturnal emission didst springe from lacke of sex, most especiallie for those younge men who are unwed or in priestlie orders. Your Will dost finde this explanation moste sounde as there is no often means for youth to finde relief when selfe-love is a sinne.

The church doth finde another reason for these nighttime dreams, as your Will didst learne from somme clerkes at Oxford. These nighttime emissions are from visits from the succubi, those female demons who do preye on the lust of menne as they sleep. Man must be ever on guard from demons, these clerkes so saye, and sleep will not prevent their meddlings.

As manne cannot control the urges of his dreams, he is not to be charged with sinne after suffering suche a night.

If thou dost suffer suche urges, dear Dream, these holy men didst offer some advice. They do advice that thou bindeth thy loins tightly and say St. Ambrose’s prayer against such pollution every night before bed: Procul recedant somnia Et noctium phantasmata Hostemque nostrum comprinte, Ne polluantur corpora.[Let dreams and nocturnal Phantasies depart far away, and suppress our enemy Lest our bodies be polluted.]

I praye this doth give thee the aide thy need.

Eternally Yours,
Will

Sonnet Five

Here thou canst perceive my sonnet five, where your Will doth lament the passinge of time, and how age doth sap the youth of his beautie.

If thou needest some aid to thy readinge, thou canst seeke it here:

http://www.shakespeares-sonnets.com/sonnet/5

Need an insult? Will's got you covered!

Fie! 'Tis Monday, and doubtless thou wilt find some knave doth trouble thee in this week. Feel free to tag the villain on Facebook at Shakesblogging, or share this image with him as thou wilt.

Need an insult? Will has you covered!

Good eve, groundlyngs! Your Will hath pass'd a good eve amoungst friends at the Mermaid, so that I am behind on mine postinges here. If thou needest an insult, perhaps this one will aide thee in thy contests. Feel free to share it with those who have neede of harsh wordes.

Need advice? Ask Young Will

Dear Young Will,

How can I get my infant to sleep at night?

Signed,
Sleepless in Southampton

Dear Sleepless,

‘Tis a difficult question thou dost pose at your Will, as he hath not much knowledge on the raisinge of infants, so I didst pose thy querie to somme goode wyves of Londountown. For the moste, this restless infante troubled not these ladies as they didst turn them to a sounde wetnurse to raise until the babe was weaned. Mayhap thou may need’st seeke thee out a wetnurse to aide thee? Then mayest thou return to nights of untroubled slumber.

Eternally Yours,
Will

Dear Young Will,

Do you have a homemade remedy for removing Damn Spots?

Signed,
Lady M

Dear Lady M,

‘Tis another vexynge querie for Will today, one more suited to the womenfolk of mine age than a playwright. Here, your Will didst seeke out Good Kat, the launderwoman who doth take care of mine one vestments and linens in London. Every day, Kat doth collect the linens and goodes for cleaning from several of her customers, and she is skill’d in removing wines, blood, and the like. For the moste troublesome of spots, such as bloode, she doth swear by this recipe:

Take a pounde of roche Alome, beate it into pouder: the rootes of Iris of Florence made in pouder, halfe a pounde of new layed Egges, two pound and a halfe of Spanishe Sope, braye the sayde pouders with the Egges and Sope, and make thereof rounde balles. If one Egge be not inough take as many as you shall thinke good. And when you wyll take out any spott of grease, washe the place of the spott on both sydes of the cloth with fayre water, then rubbe it with the saide balles and cloth upon cloth. This done, washe out the odure with cleane water, and wring the clothe to make the grease or fylth come out the better. Then wash it still with cleane water, and it wyll be cleane.

I do sweare I hath the cleanest linens in all of London, so ‘tis like this recipe is true.

Eternally Yours,
Will

*Hastow a question for Young Will? Ask it here in the comments.

Sonnet 154

Here thou may'st perceive mine sonnet 154, where one of Dian's nymphs didst try to quench the flames of love. If thou, like Will, dost burne from loves flames, though dost know how difficult this may prove to be...

Will's yearbook: Ana de Mendoza

Here thou canst perceive another leaf of Will, his yearbooke, groundlyngs. This beautie is the Spanish Countess Ana de Mendoza. If thou dost seeke more leaves from mine yearbooke, thou canst finde these in the albums on Facebooke.

Need an insult? Will has you covered!

Tis Monday, and doubtless someone of waspish nature hath driven thee from thy nest with anger. Let said mann or woman knowe by taggine him or her here or sharinge this image if thou wilt.

Need an insult? Will has you covered...

'Tis Monday, and doubtless thou hath passed a weekende around some goose or 'nother who feigneth innocence. Let the one who doth offend thee know by sharing this image or taggine him or her here.

Will's Monday Insult

'Tis Monday, and doubtless some cur hath doggéd thy heels all day. Let the beast know thy sentiments by tagginge him or her on Facebok @ Shakesblogging or sharing it with thy friends.

Shakespeare on vacation

I do but pray thou wilt forgive your poor Will, faire gentiles, as I hath not penned an entry here of late. Your Will hath founde himself in Stratford, where the connection to your moderne internet doth wane as the crescent moon into the night sky. I prithee will finde some joy in your Will's delight in his babes, young Judith and Hamnet. I was supris'd to finde them wait for mine arrival on the stoop of our house, dressed in the moste foppish of Italian fashions. Their mother took suche pains to have them vested so, and they look'd at me so earnestlie, with such eagerness for kinde word, that I could not but laugh and pet their gentle faces.

Need an insult? Will has you covered...

Alas, your Will hath neglected to poste an insult Monday, but here is one if thou so needest it. Feel thou free to tagge on Facebooke or share with those that do offend thee...

Will's good advice

Here thou canst observe some advice from Polonious, who dost think himself clever, though he speak too freely himselfe. 'Tis sounde advice all the same: not every passing thought need escape thy mouth.

Shakespeare Sonnet 4!

My deare groundlyngs, this day I do present to thee my sonnet four. In this poesie, I but but entreat the young man traffike not with himself, but save his seed for a goode wife. If thou dost find thou needest some aide to guide thy reading, thou canst finde it here:

http://www.shakespeares-sonnets.com/sonnet/4

Kit's Devilishly Good Recipes

Good eve, groundlyngs! Kit did determine to share with thee his recipe for sweet blanchéd fissh. 'Tis not a dishe your Will doth favour, but Dick Burbage does sweare it to be the finest of all Londoun.

Need an insult? Will has you covered...

Good eve to thee, my faire groundlyngs! "Tis Monday, and no doubt thou wilt have need of an insult for this week. Feel free to tagge on Facebook those that do bore thee or share this image with the offender.

Shakespeare's sonnet three

Good eve to thee, my groundlyngs! Here thou canst perceive mine sonnet three, where I do urge the Youth to create a child so his beautie fadeth not.  If thou needest some aide in thy readinge, thou canst perceive it here:

http://www.shakespeares-sonnets.com/sonnet/3

Will's Spaces and Places: Swinestead Abbey

Good eve, groundlyngs! Today I hath thought to presente to thee some knowledge of mine spaces and spaces. Here thou canst observe the settinge of Swinstead Abbey, where some craven monke didst poison King John.

Need an insult? Will has you covered...

'Tis Monday, and doubtless some clod of wayward marl hath deservéd thy wrath. Let the cur know by sharing mine insult or tagginge the offender on Facebooke.

Shakespeare's yearbooke: Thomas Wyatt

Here thou canst perceive another leaf of Will, his yearbooke, groundlyngs. Thomas Wyatt didst pursue Queen Anne, some didst think, and he was locked in the Tower and mayhap hadst witnessed the execution of the queen whilst there.

Words, words, words: Dead as a doornail

Your Will hath been progenitor or master of many words and phrases that ye moderns use to this very day. The phrase "Dead as a doornail" I didst first use in mine playe of 2 Henry IV, when Jack Cade doth proclaim: "Look on me well: I have eat no meat these five days; yet, come thou and thy five men, and if I do not leave you all as dead as a doornail, I pray God I may never eat grass more..."

Shakespeare's sonnet 2

What dost thou hold deare, my groundlyngs? What dost thou finde to comfort thee as thy age? Here is mine sonnet 2, where I do advise mine friend to consider a child.

Need an insult? Will has you covered!

I do but suspect these Mondays come too soon, and too often. If thou doth finde some ape trouble thee, feel free to tagge him or her or share thy thoughts with mine insult.

Need an insult? Will has you covered!

Alas, 'tis Monday again, and no doubt some zed hath troubled thee this day. Feel free to share or to tagge the brute here.

Will's Sonnet 95

'Tis like that thou, like your Will, dost holde a friend close to thy heart that shuns thy wordes of advice on the matters of lascivious sport. I pray thou holdest not thy tongue just as Will cannot quiet his pen...

Test thy mettle...

Test thy mettle: from which of mine workes doth these lines issue?

Need an insult? Will has you covered

Needest thou an insult for those who do offend thee? Your Will doth have plenty in store. Feel free to tagge on Facebooke or share with those that do disturbe thee.

Sonnet 141

Betimes, groundlyngs, dost thou gaze upon the object of thy affection, knowynge thy wits are confus'd by thy heart? 'Tis maddening indeed...