Ask Young Will

Dear Young Will,

How can you help me to succeed in my English literature exam on the morro?

Signed,
Weary-ey’d clerke

Dear Weary,

Will doth pray these words find thee in the mastery of thy subject since he couldst not aid thee readily. The query thou dost post might aide other clerkes, so Will revisits it now. ‘Tis best thy schoolmaster beat thee fastidiously if thou be’est a young lad; the whole of the continent doth finde that the heavy hand does reign in the wand’ring mind of the young scholar. If thou art of the older sorte, it may serve thee well to purchase as many candles and thou canst afford. Burn thy tapers late into the night, e’ry night, good clerke. In this way, thou wilt find thy efforts rewarded.

Eternally Yours,
Will

Dear Young Will,

Shakey, have you ever been in the situation where you lost your keys and mobile phone?

Signed,
Locked Out and Tuned Off

Dear Locked,

‘Zwounds – no one hath naméd your Will Shakey thus as I am constant as the North star. ‘Tis of little consequence, but no doubt thou hast kept company with that dunghill Ben Jonson and that catgut Robert Greene. As I keep me in a lodgehouse when I am in London, your Will does not carry his keys, but leaves them to his landlorde. When I carry me to Stratford, I come home to open house, and my Anne doth manage the keys. This is for the best; I have been known to lose many a quill from lodge to theatre and back agayn. Perhaps thou shouldst seek thee out a wife or man who can keep these safe for thee, from thy own failing minde? This strategie hast taken the burden from Will.

Eternally Yours,
Will

Dear Young Will,

Given the bloody awful weather in the UK, shall I compare thee (or anyone else) to a summer’s day?

Signed,

Cold Hearth, not Heart

Dear Cold Hearth,
Yes, if a person doth offend thee, and thou seek’st to twist thy meaning. As for Will, I hope I offend thee not and that thy e'ry summer day is milde as a newborne lamb.

Eternally Yours,
Will

Dear Young Will,

We are still wondering why you gave Anne your 2nd best bed…

Signed,
What’s in Will’s Will

Dear Will’s Will,

Your Will is fain to remove all mystery. This puzzle, then, I bequeath to ye moderns. ;)

Eternally Yours,
Will