Saturday, November 16, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
There's a TV commercial for Tuck's Medicated Pads that depicts a hand holding a pen and checking off boxes on a notepad. The boxes say "burning," "itching" and "swelling." My question for you, Mr. Shakespeare, is where can I buy one of these pads?
Though your Will couldst finde some Englishe in thy tongue, so muche that thou hast penn’d didst strike me as Flemische. I didst take thy querie to a mastyer wool trader of Flemische line, who was muche confounded that I didst seeme to be seekynge out some printinge.
If thou doth seeke some printinge, your Will doth suggeste one Wynkyn de Worde, who hath studied under Caxton before him. The man hath no little knowledge of his arte, being the beste thou canst finde in London. Seeke him out on Fleet Street, and praye, begge him from young Will that he printe not these bad quartos of mine owne worke.
Dear Young Will,
What are some of your favorite insults?
You Will hath penn’d so manie of these insults, some thou canst observe here on mine owne wall:
For mine parte, I do think Hal’s insultes heap’d upon Falstaff are plentiful and want for nothinge:
Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth ne'er look
on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace:
there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an
old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why
dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that
bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel
of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed
cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with
the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that
grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in
years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and
drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a
capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft?
wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous,
but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?
The answer, thou, doth rest upon thee, dear groundlyngs.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Here thou canst observe mine sonnet seven, groundlyngs. 'Tis a conceit about the sun which I doth use to urge the younge man to engender a child. If thou needest some aide to thy readinge, thou may seekest it here:
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
What's a 'nocturnal emission'?
A Midsummer Night’s Dream Deferred
Dear Dream Deferred,
‘Tis a wondrous strange question thou dost pose for your Will, but I will try to answer it with the best that medicine and faith doth offer from mine age.
After conferring with some younge physicians from Oxford, I didst learn that the nocturnal emission didst springe from lacke of sex, most especiallie for those younge men who are unwed or in priestlie orders. Your Will dost finde this explanation moste sounde as there is no often means for youth to finde relief when selfe-love is a sinne.
The church doth finde another reason for these nighttime dreams, as your Will didst learne from somme clerkes at Oxford. These nighttime emissions are from visits from the succubi, those female demons who do preye on the lust of menne as they sleep. Man must be ever on guard from demons, these clerkes so saye, and sleep will not prevent their meddlings.
As manne cannot control the urges of his dreams, he is not to be charged with sinne after suffering suche a night.
If thou dost suffer suche urges, dear Dream, these holy men didst offer some advice. They do advice that thou bindeth thy loins tightly and say St. Ambrose’s prayer against such pollution every night before bed: Procul recedant somnia Et noctium phantasmata Hostemque nostrum comprinte, Ne polluantur corpora.[Let dreams and nocturnal Phantasies depart far away, and suppress our enemy Lest our bodies be polluted.]
I praye this doth give thee the aide thy need.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
How can I get my infant to sleep at night?
Sleepless in Southampton
‘Tis a difficult question thou dost pose at your Will, as he hath not much knowledge on the raisinge of infants, so I didst pose thy querie to somme goode wyves of Londountown. For the moste, this restless infante troubled not these ladies as they didst turn them to a sounde wetnurse to raise until the babe was weaned. Mayhap thou may need’st seeke thee out a wetnurse to aide thee? Then mayest thou return to nights of untroubled slumber.
Dear Young Will,
Do you have a homemade remedy for removing Damn Spots?
Dear Lady M,
‘Tis another vexynge querie for Will today, one more suited to the womenfolk of mine age than a playwright. Here, your Will didst seeke out Good Kat, the launderwoman who doth take care of mine one vestments and linens in London. Every day, Kat doth collect the linens and goodes for cleaning from several of her customers, and she is skill’d in removing wines, blood, and the like. For the moste troublesome of spots, such as bloode, she doth swear by this recipe:
Take a pounde of roche Alome, beate it into pouder: the rootes of Iris of Florence made in pouder, halfe a pounde of new layed Egges, two pound and a halfe of Spanishe Sope, braye the sayde pouders with the Egges and Sope, and make thereof rounde balles. If one Egge be not inough take as many as you shall thinke good. And when you wyll take out any spott of grease, washe the place of the spott on both sydes of the cloth with fayre water, then rubbe it with the saide balles and cloth upon cloth. This done, washe out the odure with cleane water, and wring the clothe to make the grease or fylth come out the better. Then wash it still with cleane water, and it wyll be cleane.
I do sweare I hath the cleanest linens in all of London, so ‘tis like this recipe is true.
*Hastow a question for Young Will? Ask it here in the comments.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
My deare groundlyngs, this day I do present to thee my sonnet four. In this poesie, I but but entreat the young man traffike not with himself, but save his seed for a goode wife. If thou dost find thou needest some aide to guide thy reading, thou canst finde it here:
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Good eve to thee, my groundlyngs! Here thou canst perceive mine sonnet three, where I do urge the Youth to create a child so his beautie fadeth not. If thou needest some aide in thy readinge, thou canst perceive it here:
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
Here thou canst perceive another leaf of Will, his yearbooke, groundlyngs. Thomas Wyatt didst pursue Queen Anne, some didst think, and he was locked in the Tower and mayhap hadst witnessed the execution of the queen whilst there.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Your Will hath been progenitor or master of many words and phrases that ye moderns use to this very day. The phrase "Dead as a doornail" I didst first use in mine playe of 2 Henry IV, when Jack Cade doth proclaim: "Look on me well: I have eat no meat these five days; yet, come thou and thy five men, and if I do not leave you all as dead as a doornail, I pray God I may never eat grass more..."