Ask Young Will

Dear Young Will,

My girlfriend has started dressing as a man and has now taken to living in the forest with her cousin and a two-bit comedian. Any advice?

Signed,
Second Confused Fiddle

Dear Fiddle,

Thou hast not reveal’d whether or no thy lover’s vestements trouble thee, so Will must muse on thy sentiments. If yes, mayhap thou might ask of her to dress as Diana in front of thee, and Ganymede when she is in the forest with her cousin. ‘Tis well known that forests can prove dangerous for young maids, so it mayst be thy lady is preserving her maidenhead. If that be the matter, chide her not. More troublesome is her alignment with this Fool you mention. If he demonstrate no little knowledge of wit or truth, thou mayst be the Fool for pursuing thy relationship. Though Will be young, this he knowst well: thy future together will demand much patience if she bring the Fool to the churche door.

Eternally yours,
Will

Dear Young Will,

My good Will, woust thy know a remedy of old to be rid of a hostile tribe of mosquitoes? They be troublesome of late.

Signed,
Itchie Netherlands


Dear Netherlands,

There are a number of remedies the physicks do recommend. For the marks thou now beareth, rub thy welts with caterpillars applied with oyle. To prevent the pests from entering thy hearth, thou might seek out sulfur for to burne. Will hast not tested these remedies, yet they have some semblance of sense. Bothe the sulfur and the caterpillars must have a rottyn stenche. If this keep not the mosquitoes from storming thy castle, it may keepe away pests of the human kynde.

Eternally Yours,
Will

Dear Young Will,

If your King VI (3 parts) is your first play, were you competing with Marlow's Richard II?

Signed,
Kit’s Mom


Dear Kit’s Mom,

Verily, I understand thy position. Thy son hath gained prestige at The King’s School and agayn at Cambridge, yet the “unletter’d” glover’s son, to many, hath o’ershadowed his glorie. ‘Tis a bitter dram to swallow.

Will hath heard this charge with his own Merchant of Venice, which some say be my answer to Marlowe’s Jew of Malta since this latter was the toast of the theatre.

Though I hold my Kit dear, I tell you here: I did not hope to compete with, but to best. Whether ‘twas the result, I leave to the audiences.

If thou see thy childe before me, please remind the bugbear he doth owe me 4 shillings for the meate, ale, and lodging last month.

Eternally Yours,
Will