Ask Young Will

Dear Young Will,

I'm suffering from early onset male pattern baldness.
Toupee or not toupee, that is the question.

Signed,

Baldilocks

Dear Baldilocks,

Hast gazéd upon the image of Will?  Thou dost ask this of a man whose pate couldst bear the imprint of the Old Testament?  Will advises thee not to fret if many leaves, or none, or few do hang upon those boughs.  ‘Tis also shrewd that thou observest how the vain French fops do scratch about their wigs.  If thou wouldst toupee, thou will find thy head is home to more lice than any hairs thou once had upon thy head. 

Eternally Yours,

Young Will

Dear Young Will,

Will, I have been struck forthwith by Puck's arrow, so to speak. A young lady hath caught my fancy, and I inquire: which of thy works would be most helpful in th' process of wooing said strumpet?

Signed,

Lysander

Dear Lysander,

If thy lady-to-be be strumpet, and if by “woo,” thou meanst to lie with, Will knows of no better words than these: “Methinks thy friend Emily is beauteous.  Canst get me her digits?”

Eternally Yours,

Young Will